So why haven’t I posted anything new for well over half a year? Well, to be honest, I haven’t had much inspiration nor motivation to do so lately, and that, in and of itself, bothers me—saddens me, in fact. I remember back to when I first started this thing back in 2005 how hungry, driven and how absolutely motivated I was to get out there, share my art with the world, meet a bunch of like-minded individuals to bounce a bunch of creative ideas to and from and, eventually, share a place among them in the pantheon of artistry, and how much it’s been depressing me nowadays, because now I feel like I’ve lost that same passion that propelled me this far somewhere along the way. And every time I try to get back into that and try to sketch, draw or even speed-paint something on Photoshop, it gets tougher and tougher to see it through because I start to think that it’s not, nor would ever be, good enough. And I know that it’s within an artist’s nature to be very highly critical of one’s own work, but here lately it’s gotten to the point of being, well… self-debilitating.
On top of all that, I’ve been in a slump lately. A bad one. I’ve been questioning the meaning of life lately, and frustratingly wondering why a lot of things in life are the way they are. Perhaps this also ties into the whole lack of inspiration bit I’ve just mentioned, but for years now, I’ve wondered, even hoped at times, that there’s more to this life than burying myself in steaming shovelfuls of governmental debt to get some trivial degree, use it to work some hapless and unfulfilling ‘career’ that I, if it really came down to it, couldn’t care less about, all in hopes of making just enough money to survive, pay bills, raise kids (which I personally don’t yet have), and MAYBE have enough leftover to chase some temporary high of the week/month/season/year, and then do it over and over and over again until I’m 65 and living out the rest of my decrepit-ass life, if I’m lucky to even make it that far, making due with my minuscule social security and retirement fund before God, Buddha, Allah, or some other omnipotent deity of the week decides to flick the big off-switch. And for the longest time, I thought—let me rephrase that—I’ve been indoctrinated into believing that the expensive degree and the ‘high paying’ job (at least by the societal standards of that year) was the magnum opus of life, and in doing so, might have driven away just about every friend/girlfriend/etc. I’ve had all in the name of such a pursuit, but I figured that as long as I could at least do for myself, that would be enough to get me by. However, the older I’ve gotten, the more I’ve started to realize that this whole cycle of life bullshit, at least by society’s standards, is just that—bullshit. And the crappiest part of it all is that, unless you were somehow lucky enough to be the sole heir of Apple or become the next Mark Zuckerburg, that’s the crap we’d have to put ourselves through if we want to keep from suffering through a lifetime of tending drive-thru at KFC for minimum wage, or worse yet, selling dope and robbing liquor stores for chump change.
I know that all of this definitely comes across as first-world problems, shortsighted or otherwise ungrateful, because there are far too many people in farther regions of the planet living in far worse conditions than you and I, and I’m certainly not saying that I’m not appreciative of the opportunities I’ve been blessed with. I’ve talked about this with the very few friends and family that I haven’t alienated with this yet, and each of them have responded in some form or another in one of the following three ways:
- “That’s just life. You gotta go along to get along, even if that means kissing a little ass.”
- “Be patient/Have faith/Turn to God, and it’ll all work out in the end.”
- “There’s nothing you or I can do about it, so you might as well just man up and deal with it.”
Am I dwelling too hard on this? Maybe. This has been really wrecking my mind for a long time now. Yes I like to draw and create stuff. That gives me at least some sense of purpose on this increasingly uncertain planet of ours, and that will never change so long as I’m still alive and breathing. And I hope that I could leave this earth knowing that I’ve done everything I could to be the best me I could be for myself and those that I consider friend and/or family, as well as leave a little bit of myself for those to cherish for years to come.
But maybe I’ve lost that overly-naive thirst for life. And if that’s the case, then what the hell am I doing putting all of this effort into something more meaningful if, when it’s all said and done, going to end up being one big ball of societally-imposed mediocrity?
More and more, I feel like I’m just wasting my life away trying to search for something that may not have existed in the first place…